It's been quite a while

Dear Mr. Astronaut,

I wanna be just like you. I wanna go to space, and float around, conducting experiments. I like the idea of a silver top spinning around for ever and ever. Imagine the benefits of the lack of gravity on life on earth. Imagine if I managed to find a cure to cancer in space! Now there is hope for the millions of people with cancer to find a cure! We just have to send all of them to space at a cost of RM30 Million each for the treatment to work!

I wanna be able to grin in front of cameras, and talk to the prime minister as well. I wanna be able to tell my chef friend (from space!) that I adore him too and wanna be with him no mater what and that our business will continue to grow and grow and grow, just like our affection for each other.

I want the government to spend money on me too, all RM 30 Million of it. After all, the government already spends millions on government scholars who never come home to serve the country anyway. I don’t care about overspending in the government and budget deficits, because this is sure as hell something worth doing for my country. Our country. We are officially a developed nation now because we have sent someone to space.

Wowwee, it must be a great feeling to be the first Malaysian in space. Oh, I’m hearing that they want to send a Malaysian woman to space now. Do you think that there might be a higher chance of me qualifying for the vacation trip if I became a woman? Mr. Astronaut, I wanna be just like you. You inspire me. You make me love Malaysia more. You inpire me to become a rocket scientist cum astronaut. I feel like quitting my job now. You light up all our lives. On behalf of Malaysia, thank you for the RM30 million well spent.

Railmaster 5000

Altogether now!

I've been working on the railroad
All the livelong day
I've been working on the railroad
Just to pass the time away

Can't you hear the whistle blowing
Rise up so early in the morn
Can't you hear the captain shouting
Dinah, blow your horn

I've started building my railroad. Finally. Question is, have you?

Sensational!

Sensasi! If you havent seen it, click on the link. Credit to YouTube and the guy who posted it on YouTube. Jobless people do have a purpose in life afterall.

Now, this baffles me. Following the statement that actress made about older women marrying younger men, they've subsequently decided to ban her from any TV or radio programs for a year and to also ban the tv show responsible for airing her live. As with all things muslim and passionate, I simply think they've overreacted, AGAIN.

Oh, do I hear someone saying that she wasn't talking about just ANY old woman. Yeah, that's true, she happened to talk about Prophet Muhammad's wife. Then again, consider the following:
1. Seeing how the life expectancy of people of that time to be about what? 60 years for men, and ZERO for women (this is well documented from the many history text books of our time depicting Islam as the saviour of the barbaric female baby killing tribes of Arabia), I do not see how describing a 40 year old woman as "dah nak mampos" to be inaccurate, though crude it may seem.

2. Would we be just as rilled up if for instance, the actress was to talk about any other 40 year old woman and described her as "dah nak mampos"? In fact, we would have laughed our asses if she made fun of another actress who happened to be doing the same thing. Hence, in Islam, and in equality, which is a strong point of Islam, why do we treat the cases seperately?

3. Respect by way of association. We respect the Prophet's wife, because of that. She was the prophet's first wife. I am sure as hell that she was a nice lady, strong, honorable, yada yada and all, but seriously, I don't know how she is in real life. There are almost no accounts of a terrible version of her, something to tip the scales in the other direction. So, by way of brainwashing, we have been forced to respect her, because of her association to the Prophet. Fine. But does this mean that I have to respect a certain son-in-law of Pak Lah justttt because he married into PakLah's family, and is therefore, to be respected based on association? In the same manner, if your father was the ex-PM of this country, does that mean I am supposed to respect you a little more than the average joe out there? COME ON PEOPLE!

See what I mean by getting riled up for no apparent reason? We are supposed to be concentrating on getting the people together and united, and yet, here we are, finding time to ban an actress and fuck her up just because she slandered a woman who has been dead for 1400 years. In the midst of our passion and faith in any religion, we have still got a responsibility to critically and constructively analyze all situations, as accurately as we can. It is extremely easy to be angry at someone or something. The difficult part is understanding why the other person acted that way. Same goes for that bunch of cartoons about the Prophet.

When, if ever, will muslims learn that this world is changing? Does anyone truly want to continue living in a time warp?

Responsible Blogging

A great friend of mine, the "successful" blogger/journalist politikus, had this to say about irresponsible blogging.

It got me thinking. All of 5 minutes at that, before I came to the following conclusion.

Bah.

I cannot give a shit about responsible blogging. I cannot even give a rat's shit about what other people think, feel, act, and want to do to me. I ENJOY slandering/ mud-slinging/ backstabbing/ defaming persons/groups/organizations out there. I ENJOY it even more if I think they deserve it. And so what if they decide to slander me back. Boo Hoo Hoo. They have every right to defend themselves, as I have a right to slander their asses off the face of this earth.

I can say whatever I damn well please here. You can do whatever you damn well want to. Slander me if you want, damage my name if you need to. So what. This world is not going to end just because I said some words. And neither is it going to stop just because you think your shitty assed reputation has been tarnished. I am quite sick and tired of having to toe the line everyday, of being politically correct, of looking after peoples feelings. If you decide to sue me, so sue me. I will make it the worse day of your life. I will fight every inch of the way. I will make sure your mother and family drowns with me. Bullshit to the person who says that everything is business. Personal attacks rocks.

A friend of mine who had recently joined the government service had to delist my blog from her webpage because she doesn't want me to get into any trouble with the government. She says that upon joining certain ministries, a very thorough background check is done. This includes checks on friends, blogs, and of course, friends' blogs. (Privacy? Privacy my ass). Very nice and thoughtful of her actually. More likely though, and I do not blame or keep a grudge on her for doing this, is because a person who is found being a friend of a "radical" like me, would most likely not end up with a nice rosey career in the government service. She's a nice dear old friend, so we are still friends. Won't begrudge her of denying our friendship, if she has to.

I want to be known as the person who started the riots, the person who led a revolution, the person who always fights for what he thinks is right. I'd much rather be known as that than the polite insignificant joe who died peacefully. If I have to be detained by the ISA, or charged under the OSA or whatever "A" they have out there, then so be it. I would much rather be known as the person who stood against the rotting damnation of the people who lead this country and are in power, than quibble and shrink and toe the fucking line.

Speaking of which, fucking UMNO is at it again. This time squatting on some piece of land. MBSJ acts on them and guess what they decide to do? Erect large BN flags and banners. Just like what those motherfucking squatters in Kerinci and Abdullah Hukum do whenever someone threatens to evict them. The irony can kill you sometimes, especially after BN led Selangor had set a target of ZERO squatters by next year was it?

Who the fuck do they think you are? As a matter of fact, who the fuck made them leader of the pack? Fucking morons. I intended to vote for BN the last I remembered. I am fast thinking of just scrapping the entire idea of voting altogether, seeing how I do not like the opposition much either. And now do you know why there is voter apathy and dwindling voter percentages?

The country is digressing. I need to expedite my exit. 2nd class citizen in a first class country, or 1st class citizen in an ever degrading 3rd class shit hole. Hmm. Don't get me wrong. I love my country. I just happen to dislike what is being done to it. Not everything. Just the things that matter to me.

P.s. I'm not like this in real life you see. I just plot devious schemes without saying a darn word.

EQ

*In the calmest, of calm tones, I am hoping that people would be able to read between the lines*

Almost everyone raves of the 6 year old who can paint pictures beyond his years, or the 15 year old who graduated with a double degree from some fancy schmancy university. We seem to be in awe of those who manage to do what none of us could even dream of at that age, let alone carry out when we are much older. We can all agree that the human brain would have to be mature in order to digest and achieve such feats. Somehow though, all the achievements above seem more and more trivial as we get along in life.

I am not trying to play those achievements down, as individually, each achievement on its own is absolutely wonderful and special. However, I seriously couldn't care less about those achievements. I am however, more interested in another kind of maturity. The emotional kind. I know so many people who may think like an adult, certainly look like adults, but have the emotional maturity of a baby elephant (non-existant, for those of you trying to figure out the analogy). It doesn't bloody matter if you can get into an intellectual conversation about politics in the Balkans, if you can't even hold your own when life gets a little difficult on you.

I think this is the reason why they prefer to promote married people. Married persons are often deemed more stable. More secure. More.. you guessed it, emotionally mature. You may have an IQ of 1000, but if you don't have any EQ, you're about as useful to anyone, not just a company, as dust on the carpet you walk on. Emotional maturity, to me, enables a person to better use his intelligence, to be able to go through the day without feeling like it's the end of the world, to for once, think that the world doesn't bloody revolve around him/her alone. As you might have guessed, the key, I feel, is to not allow your emotions to swing like a wild pendulum, trying to knock over everyone around you.

Yes, everyone is entitled to their breakdowns, but to wallow in self pity, to purposely sabotage themselves, to even prefer to be edgy, is just being too much. At the end of the day, all that you are doing, is becoming an absolute liability to those around you, be it your family, friends, colleagues, bosses etc. Before long, no one would want to be associated with you, simply because no one can tolerate you (because you're a pain in the ass). Think what you may, do as you want, but other people can only tolerate so much of your moodswings.

Fuck off and die if you feel like it, instead of just threatening suicide. Otherwise, put on a fucking smile and be happy that your mother hasn't died of AIDS and that you're not dying of malnutrition and hunger.

"Nak Hidup, Segan, Nak Mati, Tak Mau". PIIIIIII LAHHH.

(Translated Loosely: Shy to live but don't want to die)

If you think the above is about you, well, stop being so self-centered. I'm just making a general observation on life. I too, am working on my EQ afterall.

Want that?

How come, in the certainty of our lives, can no one tell me what they'd want in the future? It seems that for all the wants of the present, which people do not have any qualms about airing, that there isn't an equal want for any time in the future? Have we come to an extent where we are so preoccupied with the present and the past, that we cannot spare a second to think of the future?

Case in question. I work for a shipyard. Every year, the shipyard procures mesmerizing amounts of steel, pipes and other equipment. Yet, for the love of god, not a single person can tell me what they'd wanna buy beyond a week from now. Everybody sure as hell knows what they wanted yesterday, last week, or even last month, but no one can tell me what they'd want tomorrow for instance, or two weeks from now, let alone a quarter or a year from now. Why is that? Why is so much energy being put into what we need at the current moment, so much so that there's little, if any energy being put into what we MIGHT need in the future?

Everyday, we fight a battle to get through the day. Everyday, all we seem to be able to do, is ensure that we live to reach our beds at night, only to wake up loathing war the next day. Very few of us actually seem to make it a point to ponder, before bed for instance, what we can do to win the subsequent battles, what we can do now, that would pay dividends later.

My ex girlfriend once told me that if we did not live the present, that there would be no future. I of course, had no reply for her, because she is that kind of person. She lives for the present. She knows what she wants, but only what she wants today, and what she wanted yesterday. We were essentially two very different human beings, one concentrating on the present, and the other, on the future. Neither of us saw eye to eye on most matters. Neither of us have ended up wrong. I think.

Now that the future has come, how prepared will any of us be for it? Have we even done enough in the morning, to ensure an easier evening? Or were we too occupied resolving yesterday's issues? Today will become yesterday, tomorrow. We can either live today like it is tomorrow, or live today like it will be yesterday.

Yeah yeah, Just read It.

It's december, and I am in the mood to make some enemies. Actually, not in the mood, but I intend to poke some sensitive buttons anyway.

Warning, if you haven't an open mind, please do not read the following. Having said that, I know I've just inevitably told a 4 year old that he can't have cookies before dinner, right in front of a cookie jar, with my back turned away. It is how I have been perceiving things, but if I see it that way, there's got to be a problem right? Here goes.

You racist bastards. Yeah it's fine to be racist. The minute we pop out of our mother's white/black/yellow/brown bellies, we are racist anyway. We've certainly been brought up that way. Since I could remember, my parents have been reminding me that I am of a certain race, and should act that way. Ever since I could remember, my parents have been telling me to get more friends of a certain race. I am so bloody sure that YOUR parents would be alarmed the minute you've veered towards friends of a certain race. Actually, your parents would have been alarmed if you're non-muslim with many many malay friends, and vice-versa. So, with every action, or inaction, you've become a racist, whether you realize it or not. With every subtle suggestion from your parents, you've inched your way toward racistdome. Take heed in the fact that at least you're being a temple going, mother loving son.

Just because I eat pork, drink alcohol and gamble my savings away doesn't make me a freak. You do not have to treat me like one, just because you've been living in your own little racist/supremist world that you've never seen a malay eat pork/gamble/drink. Just because you think you know malays/muslims do not eat pork, and am automatically sensitive about those issues around malays doesn't make you any smarter than you think you are. In fact, by being sensitive AND assuming that malays do not do any of the above "vices" inevitably makes you a racist fucker. Why? It's all because you're assuming that we do not do any of the above, and do not offer us the opportunity in enjoying any of the above. Who made you special, joe?

Are you so fucking threatened and afraid that you've lost what has made you special in this country? Are you so fucking afraid that by knowing malays who eat pork/drink/gamble, you've lost everything that has made you, you, and have given the malays some sort of invisible advantage? "Fuck, not only do they get all the scholarships and fucking 7% discounts on housing, they have to invade my restaurants as well?".

Imagine this. While you were growing up, you knew you were non-muslim because you ate pork, gambled, drank alcohol and prayed in anything either than a mosque. You identified a malay/muslim by what he ate/drank, and by his uncanny characteristic at being slow and lazy. Most of all, you've identified a malay by how he has gotten around the country just on pure "kulit-fication" (skin-color-qualification for those of you not in the know). You resented all that, but remained blind, because you thought that you had the upper hand by being smarter and being able to do everything a malay can't.

What happened when someone like me comes along is that the status quo changed. Nobody likes it when the status quo changes, because, obviously, those who thought they were superior no longer are. Those who felt that they could do what no other person could do, no longer feels that way when he is joined by those who previously couldn't do it. You're not happy when I am eating at the same table as you in a non-halal restaurant. You just simply loathe it, because I've taken away what was special to you. You resent it so much, that you simply must remind me that I am a malay eating pork/drinking/gambling. You loathe it so much, that you must tell all your other friends that you know a malay who does all of the above. You hate it so much, that you have to make it a point to order pork/beer during meals, just so that you can have the twisted pleasure of showing everyone that this fucker of a malay eats pork and drinks beer. You fucking son of a bitch. You don't even realize that you've made a fool of yourself, AND made your friend look like a circus act.

How uncomfortable do you think I am, having to perform a circus act every single time we eat with other people? How uncomfortable do you think I am, not quite being accepted as a malay because I do not behave like one, yet not being accepted as chinese, because I do not speak the fucking language and was born with a malay name? I do not have to even mention the Indians, because I get funny looks when I walk to an estate to get my todi.

Don't worry, I do not blame you for being the mindless racist/supremist that you are. You've just been brought up that way. It's ok. Just because I am your friend, I do not mind performing circus acts. What I do mind, is that you just think I am a melayu-busuk (rotten malay), instead of just another one of your friends. I've got news my friends, I am not that special anymore, and neither are you. What you can do, I can do. When your parents told you that you're better than the malays and that you have to work harder, they were lying to you. All they wanted was for you to be the same as them, bigots and racists. Of all people, I learned from a racist/supremist bigot, that the job of a parent is not to make his children like him, it is to ensure that his children are better than him. So please be better than your parents. The world is changing, keep up or lose out.

Oh, and being tolerant, is NOT not being racist. It is merely ignoring, and ultimately believing that everyone has a right, to be a supremist/racist. And if ever anyone mentions that being tolerant is the equivalent of integration, so help me God, I will hit you so hard at the back of your head that your neck will be at your forehead and your eyes will be 20 feet away.

p.s. Notice how I use malay/muslim interchangably? It's because our racist government had intended it that way. Look at our fucked up constitution's definition of a Malay. Just so you know, our racist government doesn't refer to a malay government, but refers to a government that INCLUDES chinese and indian ministers and racially segregated parties, all filled with so called "grass-roots" who are hell bent on preventing integration and change. Oddly, the two most guilty parties are UMNO and MCA. To think that we were counting on them.

p.p.s This is a disclaimer. Not all my friends are guilty of the above. Very many, infact, aren't. But if you feel that I am being harsh, then you immediately ARE guilty of the above. Fuck you if you think you're special and above the rest. But I'd still be your friend anyway, if you want to.

Tatts

A friend was blogging recently about getting new tatts. So it got me thinking. I had been wanting to get a new one for quite a while now. At first I thought I had the right design, but now I am not so sure. Any ideas anyone? It's gotta be unique thats for sure. Money, is temporarily, no object. I just want something that would make people go WOAH! in a good way of course.

Beliefs

Have you ever woken up in the morning, thinking you've got your whole life figured out? You used to have all the answers at your fingertips, and everything at your feet. These are the issues that I used to believe otherwise in, but that I cannot continue believing in now.

1. KL public transport does not suck. I used to think that it was unreliable, but truthfully, it was just me that was being unreliable. Busses do come on time, its just that I do not.

2. Nothing is to blame for anything. I am absolutely in control of what I do. I prefer to blame other things and other people, because it puts me as a victim. I like being a victim because I like sympathy.

3. Doing good onto others will eventually lead others to do good unto you. And vice versa. Yes it pays to do good. At the very least, you feel good about yourself.

4. Friends are not everything. True, the good ones are there when you need them, but really, if I don't make an effort, I am a forgotten man. So, I control my friendships don't I? I just have to continue being there don't I? I guess the next question is until when.

5. Parents are to be cherished. Yes. The older you are, the more you'd appreciate them. Really.

6. Friendships do have an expiry date. Especially if the other side refuses to renew it. However, you can renew for both parties right? Can you?

7. Money is abundant. You just have to know when and where to put it. The concept is revolving credit.

If you think about it, theres nothing that you believe in that we can continue believing in, because they are merely beliefs. Something that we thought to be true, but is not. If it were to be true, it'll have to be a fact. It'll have to be true 100% of the time, no matter where you are. Which brings me to another question. Some scientific facts are only true on earth. So can you still call them facts when they aren't true when you're not on earth anymore? So its merely a scientific belief then. Not a scientific fact. See? Beliefs are so easily disproven. What can we believe in anymore? And what of the biggest belief in the world, the belief in God and Religion?

Psychology

If I had another shot at choosing my career path, I think I would have embarked in a career as a bitching column facilitator. You know, like Thelma of the "Dear Thelma" fame.I think I have the talent for it, and most important, I think I understand people. More important than most important, I think I have the great ability of bringing the best, or worst out of people. Yeah, I'm not god, and I don't aim to be, but I think most of the time, I am able to point people in the right direction, or the wrong direction, depending.

Its really interesting how more and more people find solace in speaking to me. Maybe I'm just perasanlah, but it seems to be the case. I may not have the repertoir of VIP clients, but I have something greater than that. I've got friends. People who matter most to me. The people that I care about, who I really want to help.

I am beginning to feel that more than anything else in this world, each of us seek affirmation in our lives. When people pour their hearts out, theres nothing more soothing than words of positive support from another person. Sometimes, we seek not another opinion, but further proof that we are doing the right thing. We seek not to know options, but to know that others take pity in our plights. So, when a person comes with differing opinions, with another view, we do the polite thing of accepting those views, but discarding them for the fact that they are not in sync with our views and actions.

So really, for how long do we want to live in self pity, knowing and wanting more pity from others. For how long do we want to be victims of our own failings? Responsibility in what we do and who we are, for our actions and the repercussions, is empowerment at its greatest. We are not victims of others, merely responsible beings of our actions. It is absolutely difficult to accept that we aren't victims, for we are great at being victims. It's absolutely comfortable, and even better, it brings care, pity and support from your friends.

I know some of the readers of this blog are the people I care about above, who have come to me, for comfort. Truthfully, this is not my way of bitching and scolding you. I do enjoy being in conversation with each and every one of you, and forgive me if I do sound aggressive. All I want, is the best from you and that you all be the best that you can be. I am willing to do anything for you, and am pledging my patience and care for you. Selfishly, this is my way of being your friend. A true friend is one that is there, in good and in bad times, even for 5 minutes, right?

Happy Merdeka!

Oh, almost for forgot to write a paragraph about the current political situation with the "youths". Fucking shit, now I know the reason why they call them BN Youth. FUCKING KIDS. I will not vote for you asswipe diaper whores. Shut the fuck up lah KJ, you man-whore. Who the fuck you whoring for bitch? Who the fuck gave you the license to defend my fucking racial and religious honor? Who appointed you chief asshole and made you mac daddy of all foul mouthed bastards? No one doubted 3 months ago that you'd go places, that you had what it took, that you were a different breed of politician. Now you're just another pile of shit in that fucking cesspool called UMNO. Undeniably Malay, Needs Otak (UMNO).

Oh, and what of MCA Youth? MCA can go suck the elephants cock in Zoo Negara. Trying to be funny by immitating KJ. Yeah baby, why not be a bigger arse? Come on lah. You want progress for "your" people? UMNO youth want progress for "their" people. MIC couldn't give a fuck for "their" people. What the fuck happend to Malaysian? FULLSTOP. Not Malay, not Chinese, not Indian. MALAYSIAN. We are approaching 49 years of independence, yet we are all still slaves of of our damn race, religion and bigotry. All we care about is taking care of our own. No one wants to take care of the greater race, the Malaysian race. Segment and rule. Melayu for Melayu, Cina for Cina, India for India. The colonists are still here, can't you guys see? We are as advanced as we were 49 years ago. We havent progressed one bit. Masyarakat mundur is here to stay. Those who have realized, have gone away, not to safety, just choosing 4 feet of shit as compared to 10 feet of shit back home.

Hope we go to civil war. At least it'll be legitimate for me to kill any person with an irritating voice and an asshole for a mouth. Happy 49th Merdeka. Merdeka! On to the next form of slavery shall we?

Operation Happiness

Extreme loneliness. This I can survive for the 1 week that I have to, but to go through the rest of my life in this state, I would rather go through death. Or life with the wrong wife. Or life full of mistakes. Anything is better, as you can see.

Hence, I have put in place " Operation Happiness". Oh yeah, a name ooozing with creativity. This involves some very radical moves on my part. All I have to do is pray that she bites. Maybe she needs a nudge in the right direction. Maybe I should do nothing, now that the ball is not in my court. Maybe, I should stop saying maybe. Instead, I should be saying, what next.

"She's wayy out of your league dude!"

Well.. well.. well.... (looking for something to say to myself to make myself feel better), Someone once said that if you want to have a normal life, have normal, attainable measurable goals. If you want an extraordinary life, have extraordinary goals, crazy goals. Do I want her? YES I DO. Is it my true intention to at least be within range of goal, YES IT IS. What the fuck am I going to do to realize this? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA.

Yeslah, clueless.

I'm Back!

I have been, for the longest time, planning a new life. After 2 months of silence in this blog, I am, measurably, only closer to that goal by the sum of the small parts that I have been carrying out. Well, actually, less than the sum of the small parts.

In what has been a whirlwind 2 months of my life, I have managed to move to a new town, buy a car, get a new pair of eyes, "move on" in my career, trim off my undeserving relationships, and slowly move toward building new ones and strengthening the ones that matter most.

In the middle of all this, the one feeling flowing in my veins, is the feeling of loneliness. It's a feeling that I have felt for a long time, but which has been soothed somewhat by clinging on to what I thought I had and what I thought mattered to me. Over time though, I find that I am giving, and receiving in unequal amounts. This matters not for now I think, because there always seems to be more to give than what I need to take. What matters, is the fact that I have no one to give it to. Hope that will change, with some luck, careful choice of words, and very very huge risk taking. I do not have to explain why its make or break when you want to take something further with a friend do I?

More on that, and the rest of my life, in the coming days.

Short Stories.

"Too many issues swirling in my mind. I've wondered if anyone else suffers from drowning in their own thoughts. Gulp gulp, drown."

It's barely a month left before I start a new life again. So many things to do, so many considerations to make. So many plans that I've made, that have to be brought forward and cramped into barely a month. It's overwhelming sometimes, how we have to somehow cope with change. How we have to adapt and move out of our comfort levels. It's always a painful experience, when moving out of one's shell, but we almost always end up better people. It's also funny how most people find it so difficult to move their own cheese, or find it so difficult to accept that someone has moved their cheese.

Changes abound mostly without notice. I think that's what makes it so difficult to accept. Most people want to be prepared for the worse. Some couldn't be bothered and take things as they come. This is yet another defining month in my life. How things go in the next month determines the outcome of at least another year in my life. So much hinges on what I can extract from this month.
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I recently decided to check out some of the available designer skin solutions for men available out there. This after realizing of course, that I've got bad skin and need desperately to do something about it. My ultimate aim is of course, to turn my surface-of-mars-skin into something more akin to the texture of tofu. I want suppleness like those baby's butts in advertisements. *jentik jentik boing boing*. Impossible was the verdict, after some questions to the "consultants". Was really puzzled though, how some of them stare at me as though I'm gay. Really, what can be so wrong with taking care of your skin, your health and your appearance? I think women in general appreciate men who take care of themselves more, no? Learned that the hard way. It was difficult to accept when a girl tells you that she once considered me to be luckier to have her than she is lucky to have me. Felt like a charity case come to think of it. Doubt she feels the same way now though.

I mean, think about it. I doubt any girl will be ashamed to be seen with me, and judging from the many roaming female eyes that check me out, I'm worth a look. But if I put in a little more effort into myself, they'd be oogling and wagging their tongues. Not that they don't wag their tongues now anyway. Only drawback to this is that if I pamper my body with all the products out there, I'm wondering what will happen when I can no longer afford this stuff. Wondering how bad the withdrawal symptoms will be.

Pink shirts are next on the list. LOL.

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I recently went hunting for toy guns with a good friend of mine. We actually went to Carrefour and he bought one of those RM7 toy guns. Wouldn't look out of place in the hands of a 7 year old kid. We somehow think it has something to do with his deprived childhood. More recently though, he complained of the shortcomings of the Made In China contraption. He has stated the need to upgrade to BB guns. At least he's grownup enough to realize that. I am having slight reservations though, mainly because crazy people are dangerous, and who knows what a crazy person with a BB gun can do. I really hope though, that he doesn't give away his calculator.
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Decided that as part of starting a new life, a car is desperately required. So, went to look at the Myvi. I think I'm kinda set on getting one. Never really thought that I'd have to buy a car right now, but since my new life requires a car, there's nothing in particular I can do except oblige. Had to do some calculations as to what I can afford and I've come to a realization that it is no more a mystery how a majority of the population (70%) in Malaysia between the ages of 23-28 do not have any savings. I blame the poor sighted government for this. It has become pretty difficult trying to make ends meet. Now I know, now that I am going to be on my own. But what becomes of my metrosexual lifestyle? Oh no. Dreams shattered.

Open letter to the mufti of Perak and the Ulama council of Malaysia:

Dear revered Sirs,

I am one of those you've sought to help in your report, the ones you have referred to as being eroded of faith. Yes, my faith in my religion has been eroded. Eroded to such an extent not because I am lacking faith in God, but because I am lacking faith in you. Yes, you, appointed wise men of the religion. Needless to say, I am in full belief now that the world is coming to an end, because as I recall in school, one of the signs is that the matters of the religion are handled by those not qualified to do so. Sounds vague and subjective, but I have deemed all of you unqualified to handle matters of the religion. Ye Datuk-Datuk crony sekalian saya berpendapat begitu.

I do understand the need for certain quarters to study the religion more closely, to be at one with the religion, and to look and practice the finer points of the religion. I even understand the fact that its your job as keepers of the religion to protect it from degradation. But I do not understand how you can look so lowly on, not so much us, muslims by choice (up until now), but look so lowly on Islam. How can you not trust that Islam, for all its great points, could be so unattractive to its believers, as to warrant such a recommendation to the government? How then could you make an assumption that what you believe in should be adopted by everyone, by force or otherwise? Have you thought about the fact that your decisions effect not just Muslims, but everyone else in general?

Frankly Datuks, you've nudged me the wrong way. I did not want to be nudged so far off course, but I've had it Datuks. I am not going to live as a prisoner in my own country. I demand freedom of choice, freedom of expression, and freedom to live as I please. Yes, you have been demanding all sorts of things, so I believe I can demand my rights as well as a legitimate citizen of this country. If you wish to charge me in your mock courts, I have told myself that I will quit this religion officially. (I am sorry for saying this dear God, as I still trust you and believe in you, but you have truly put the religious decisions in this country in the wrong hands and I have lost belief in all your religions.)

Do not get me wrong, there will come a time when I will want to follow the path of the conventional muslim. I believe that time would not be long from now truthfully. But until then, do not make me quit my religion. If you really need to know, I am not the only one who feels this way, and its all because of you Datuks.

She's a Brick Isn't She?

Could never figure out what this song is about, but love it to bits.. Damn emo..

BRICK
6 am day after Christmas
I throw some clothes on in the dark
The smell of cold
Car seat is freezing
The world is sleeping
I am numb

Up the stairs to the apartment
She is balled up on the couch
Her mom and dad went down to Charlotte
They're not home to find us out
And we drive
Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone
Than I ever have before

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

They call her name at 7:30
I pace around the parking lot
Then I walk down to buy her flowers
And sell some gifts that I got
Can't you see
It's not me you're dying for
Now she's feeling more alone
Than she ever has before

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

As weeks went by
It showed that she was not fine
They told me son, it's time to tell the truth
She broke down, and I broke down
Cause I was tired of lying

Driving home to her apartment
For a moment we're alone
Yeah she's alone
I'm alone
Now I know it

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

As to why I love it so much? Mainly because I find that it reflects my life. Even if I can't figure it out. We can all relate to it can't we?

God has a Blackberry.

God, oh God, you've gone hightech of late haven't you? I guess this is a sign of keeping up with the times. As a result of your constant blackberry-ing, emailing, and faxing, you've managed to up your Level Of Service quite a bit. We no longer have to wait a million years for our prayers to be answered. It's as though we only have to wait a few hours, or even minutes nowadays for all to come true, or for the sign to come that says we do not deserve what we seek.

Similarly, we do not have to wait a million years before all the bad that we've done will come to haunt us. No longer do we wait generations, for our decendents to be cursing our existence and mistakes in this world. It all happens faster nowadays. It all happens during our lifetime. God, you've sure found a way to make all that goes around to come around.

Wondering now, when you'd be able to zap my spare tire away and beam me a hot girlfriend.

Speaking of which, today June 6th, 2006 (read 6.6.06) is supposed to be significant for all that represents the anti-thesis of God. Happy devil's day? Oh devil my dear, have you got a Blackberry too? Howabout one of them PDA phones? Better be up to date. Lots of corruption, mind fucking and moral destruction to do with the rising number of people in this world. Chop chop.

I've read somewhere though, that for years we have been mistaken by triple sixes representing the devil. According to someone (can't remember his name for the love of God), the hebrew letters representing the devil, which was first thought to be 6, was actually wrongly translated. Instead, it is thought that the hebrew letter should be translated as 'w'. This effectively means that the devil is not '666' but more like, you've guessed it, 'www'. I'm sorry devil, for mocking you for not having a Blackberry. You've devised something far superior. We've all been patronizing the 'www' for quite a while then. In fact, I'm indulging in the devil's work as we speak. And so are you. Yay. We can all go to hell now.

So, even divinity and his enemy have been embracing technology. Wondering then, when god might TT transfer me a kajillion dollars. Wondering too, when the devil might hack my computer, steal my password, and take away my kajillion dollars that god just gave me. Balance. We live on that. We thrive on that.

Are you LOONY?

The mind: A neverending maze of thoughts, memories, knowledge, feelings, emotions and quirkyness. As the cliched and overused saying goes, the mind is a powerful thing. Its ability to trump matter, to rise to the occation, as well as being the source of strength is overwhelming, and at the same time, often understated.

It's so powerful, that all times, its not the thought of how powerful it can be that scares most, but more the thought of how powerless it can become, that will. To most of us, while the quest for greater minds preoccupies many, it is the study of the powerless mind that intrigues many.

I often fear the day, not when my mind doesn't reach its potential, but when my mind loses its sanity. I fear the day I'd have no control of my thoughts and actions, no control of my maze. I fear, that without control of my mind, that I am destructive, both to myself, and to my surroundings.

You can never blame a madman, so the saying goes. But its somehow inconceivable, but probable that a sane person could act as a madman, just so that he or she could have his way. It could be possible, that the unsound mind, either by conscious effort or otherwise, could plot, and execute something like that. It's so crazy to pull something like that, that its genius. Especially since the doctors have advised those around you to leave you to your own devices, owing to your unstable mind.

In a way, we're all insane. In a way, we're all mentally ill, with our own mental conditions. In a way, we deserve to be in the loony bin. Yet, for most of us, its the same mind that shows strength to overcome trauma. In most of us, its the mind that could potentially go wrong, that goes right, and rises to the occation. For most of us though, we cannot predict, when, if ever, our mind will fail on us. God Forbid.

The future is Today?

When it comes to the subject of love, there are more than ample amounts of people out there who profess to be all knowing about love. There are those who claim to have been there, done that, and have been into as many relationships, as there are water droplets in the ocean.

Knowing however, and experiencing, are never enough. For each and every person out there would have distinct differences, and to each and every couple, their own unique problems and issues. Sure, they may seem to have similar loose boundaries, but it is never altogether the same. Never. Ever.

What is definitely certain though, is that love brings us all to do crazy things. Love, when coupled with lust, is like fire creeping towards a tank of gasoline. Crazy concoction. My question today, is that can we live without love? Can we live without sparks and flames, without passion and feelings?

The main qualities of a successful marriage, is not love, as advocated by countless movies and serials, but hardwork, sacrifice, understanding, responsibility, reliability and working as a team. Each of these words, brings a sense of maturity. Each of these words, undermines and negates the concept of love. So, in choosing your partner, is it safe to say that first, you must look at maturity, then only to look at love? Not quite either.

Attraction, which is a small subset of love, is built upon the pretext of two people wanting to get to know one another better. It is impossible then, to find a partner able and willing to fulfill all those words, without first having attraction and love. What about match making? Match making overrides the concept of attraction, as a force of bringing two people together, but not as a force of keeping two people together.

Anyway, just incase anyone is wondering as to why dating is so different from marriage, well, the answer is in the above. That the qualities of maintaining a relationship are far far different from the qualities of maintaining a marriage. I feel then, that its better to prepare myself for marriage, then to market myself as a person to date. Hence probably the reason why I don't quite give a rats ass about dating anymore. If it comes, it comes. If it doesn't then, theres always life with all those words, but without anyone to share it with to look forward to. Women my age, look for a different type of guy from me, because they do not think past a couple of years. Hence getting stuck, and marriage to possibly the wrong type of guy, having to work doubly hard at marriage.

Who needs to think about the future right? Not when theres enough to think about in the present. Not when all there is to a relationship is feelings and love and lust and thinking nonstop about a person. No one shares as distinct a vision of the future and what it holds as I do. No one puts as much preparation in the present, for the future to come. No one neglects the present as I do. And its only because, every minute that comes by, is already bringing the future to the present. So, do we really need to be in love, when love is not quite needed in the future?

Ten Things About Bangkok

Ten things I learned about Bangkok (in no particular order of importance):

1. You never really notice this, but there are really a lot more women then men. You do not see that many couples too. Maybe all the men are in monastaries fantasizing about zen.

2. The best way to see Bangkok is with an escort clinging to one arm and beer on the other.

3. Thai women are beautiful, but very very many are flat chested. You do find yourself however, staring at the korean/japanese tourists :P

4. Patphong is overrated.

5. Siam Paragon is a masterpiece. Interior designers for KL shopping malls, eat your heart out. You'd orgasm if you're into interior design.

6. Bangkok = Sin City. There is no limit. Thai girls are adventurous. Really adventurous.

7. Get yourself a Thai traditional massage. Its quite good. Or you can go for something more advanced.

8. You can fit 5 guys in a tuk tuk. If you've been in one, you'd understand.

9. The next time I go, I wanna bring RM5000. And stay in a luxury hotel. And hire an escort for 4 days (and the corresponding nights of course). Wonder if there are any out there who can speak really good english. As in american standard english.

10. We are definitely making another trip. See number 9. muahahha.