State of The Life Address

Nothing has changed much in this weary life of mine.

On to other matters. Firstly, the caricatures on the Prophet. I've seen them. To anyone wishing to see them, but is far too lazy to scour the net for them, send a personal note to me, and I might consider emailing it to you. Hope I do not get caught. As I understand it, our bigot of a government could want to put me in jail for "distribution of blasphemous material". Screw them. Every muslim, muslim wannabe or just about everyone else has a right to know what exactly is being debated about here.

My reactions to the entire debacle? Deplorable on both sides. Idiotic even. To intergalactical trans-planetary proportions. Really idiotic of a bunch of editors to be publishing cartoons (none of them funny as is being claimed) in the name of "freedome of speech". Double standard bastards. Try publishing funny cartoons of the holocaust, morons. Or how about cartoons of Moses hallucinating when receiving the 10 commandments? (How could he not be, for all you know, he was high on cocaine on that mountain *sarcasm sarcasm sarcasm* Don't burn my embassy for that statement.)

Moving on nicely then. Fucking useless bastards calling themselves muslims. This is why I now refuse to be associated with muslims. Narrow minded asses supposedly willing to die defending the Prophet's honour. Cowardly bastards couldn't even defend Palestine when the Israeli soldiers began occupation in 1965. Ran helter skelter leaving behind boots, ammunition and even their underwear behind. Way to go picking on some minimal security embassies to torch down. Thats right, send the right message across. I'm muslim, I'm a fucking violent terrorist, and I like burning embassies. Serve you right for dying in those protests. You're fucking going to hell for that. No where in any religion does it even mention that violence be tolerated if the intentions were right. Right intentions does not ever warrant an evil deed. That goes for both sides.

Think about it for a second before you flame me for making such comments. There is a reason why foreigners, who have no connection to Islam, have such thoughts and views of Islam in this world. There's a reason why they would dare draw a bomb on the Prophet's head. The religion itself has been tarnished by a select few, supposedly fighting in defence of the religion. That we have deeper underlying issues at stake here. In the world, and especially in Malaysia, Muslims, in the name of religious observence is fast disassociating themselves from the other religions and in Malaysia's case, other races due to that fucking stupid constitutional definition of what a Malay is in Malaysia. Everywhere you go, preachers are preaching about creating an identity for muslims. About not embracing western cultures and influence. About staying true to the religion.

But all this contradicts itself in 2 full sentences. In creating an "image" of a muslim, we are, at a rather disturbing rate, blindly adopting ancient arab culture. Wearing of the robe, covering of the head, Bahasa Malaysia adapted to arabic tunes. That we are shunning one foreign influence for another is not exactly being truthful to oneself is it? Isn't it intriguing that if not for the religion sprouting in the Arabian peninsula, we would not be following arabian influence? Wouldn't it be even more intriguing if lets say, Islam sprouted in Europe instead. Would we then be following European trends and cultures instead?

Personally, I feel that it would do the religion more good if we assimilated into the various cultures in this world. We do NOT have to look the same, think the same and be the same everywhere around the world. This goes back to the notion of individual freedome. Something which is dear to me, and something which has not been given much thought. I keep on thinking of what the religious teacher in school said. "There is no forcing in Islam" ("Tiada paksaan dalam Islam"). Such simple words, but unfortunately interpreted as "There is no forcing others to join Islam. BUT there is forcing muslims to heed to the teachings."

Who gave anyone the right to interpret it that way? I feel like floating away.

The Balance

Human relationships are fragile little things. Attrociously difficult to maintain, yet we all need adequate amounts of it in our lives. Top of the pile in the balance of relationships, is trust. The breaking of trust, which is at the bottom of the pile, is called betrayal. More often than not, building trust with someone else, results in betrayal to another. Provided the interelation of course.

Take my parents for instance. I do not envy being in their position. The reason being, that to build trust with one of their children, would result in betrayal to another. And if you even attempt at seperately building trust, spending too much time with one child will kill your chances with the other.

Face it, in conflicts, you have to take sides, even if you are deemed to be neutral. In a parenting crisis, taking sides results in a victor, and the vanquished. In the court of law, though the judge is deemed to be neutral, he or she is taking the side of the law, and more often than not, passes judgement based on social norms/personal prejudice/maybe the law, everytime all three, rarely only the last reason.

Trust and betrayal go hand in hand like day and night. One cannot achieve its desired effect, without the opposite being there, in equal or more amounts, contrary to Newton's now flawed third law. We must admit, that there'd be no worse feeling in this world, than the feeling of being betrayed. That all the trust you have put in someone, amounted to nothing in the end. That failure be the only result of all your hopes.

I find it fitting though, that betrayal always has a way of biting you in the ass. That one day, you'd have to depend on that person you once betrayed for help. That that person, depending on the individual, might, or might not be there to pull you out. As for me, I may be acting as though nothing has happened, but trust me, I do not forget.

My Sister the...

We have become quite accustomed to her being nocturnal. For a person who lives under the same roof, the only proof of her existance lies not in seeing her, but in hearing the sounds she makes. No one knows what she looks like anymore, and sure as hell, no one knows what the hell she's been up to.

That is, until today. All it took was a rainy day, a curious father, and a son thrown into the mixture. Here's how everything went.

(It was raining heavily, thunder blasting in the background)

Father: Where are you going? It's raining.
Daughter: I'm going to work.
Father: Where?
Daughter: Bukit Bintang.

(Son is pretending not to care, as he contemplates how to show he doesn't care, while in hearing distance of the juicy conversation)

Father: Are you working in a Bar? Pub?
Daughter: *Shirks*.
Son: *HUGE SMIRK ON HIS FACE*

It all makes sense now. She goes off at 830 pm, returns by 400 am according to my father. That's bar/karaoke/pub time people. Fuck, now I've got some serious thinking to do. IF my sister is a GRO/waitress/whatever, in one of those dodgy clubs/bars/pubs/ktv lounges in Bukit Bintang, she is, theoretically, a spy. Why, because I might frequent ANY of those places. If I drink, she knows. If I'm "naughty", she definitely knows. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

The last thing I would wanna do is find myself drunk in a place, snogging my own sister! How fucking gross can that be. Oh, but think of the advantages. IF she is truly a GRO, that would mean that she would be in the company of other GRO's. Pretty pretty horny fun GRO's from all over the world (PRC mostly I think). Plus, she might have some dirt on some horny old Datuk. Or, she could rise up the GRO ladder and become a mamasan. Hmm. Maybe it's time to be nice to her again.

Yo Ho Ho..

It's exactly 7 days to the new year. Exactly 7 days left of this miserable year. It's really good that this year will end. It started in misery, it shall end with more. Hopefully, it doesn't spill over to the next.

There is no way it can spill over to the next. I am the master of my fate. I am the king of my destiny. I am the conquerer of my fears. I've got a million ideas, and even more time next year to do them. Lets go baby! It's action time! I will be the first person on earth who will fulfill his new year resolutions.

First things first. Rally the troops. We got some serious resolutions to accomplish. The earlier the better. The more prolonged, the more accurate. Time to bring out the heavy ammunition. Go baby go go.

P.s. MERRY CHRISTMAS, and have a DRUNKEN NEW YEAR!

Xenophobia-Mania

I watched the MMS video of that woman who had to do ear-squats. The following thoughts were going through my head:

• Wow, big boobs.
• Who's the woman in the background? Didn't seem like she was a policewoman, considering the blurry video.
• Where was the guy who took the video standing?
• Did the victim really look like an illegal chinese national? Video was too blur to make out any distinctive features. Usually, you'd be able to tell Malaysian-Chinese, from China-Chinese, from Singaporean-Chinese, from ABC's from BBC's bla bla.
  
• Do ear-squats really dislodge contraband items from the vaginal canal?
  
• Video phones rock!
  

Really, besides all the underlying questions being already asked, and our stupid parliamentarians wanting to actually debate a softporn video, and article after article being written about so called human rights, police procedure etc, what is truly the core issue in this debate?

I play an online game where I receive a virtual football team. The objective is of course to be successful, no matter the individual definition. We also have a national coach, and an U-20 coach. About 2 years ago, we reverted to a system where only locally trained players who are still based in local clubs would be considered for the National teams. Reasons of which are purely tactical. However, recently, a debate came up in the forums where this policy was called xenophobic bordering on racism.

Calling us racist would be unjustified, as people from other ignorant parts of the world do not even know of the composition of the population, demographics etc. Some even referred to people in Malaysia as Malays (we know thats not true, but they can't care less). We can debate about the different races in Malaysia some other day, but what I'd like to ask is this. Have we, the world in general, become xenophobic?

From the moment anyone steps into an airport/seaport/port of entry, discrimination is immediately done based on nationality, whereby all foreigners are treated differently from citizens. Xenophobia? In the truest sense of the word, yes. Or do we call this preferential treatment for citizens? I guess in the great words of George Orwell, some are more equal than others.

Narrowing the scope to Malaysia, though many of us might not admit it, we associate crime with the rise in unemployment amongst the foreigners. In other words, we associate crime with the indons, banglas, burmese etc. I for instance, do not even remotely feel comfortable when in the presense of Indonesians, regardless of whether they mean harm of otherwise.Fear of foreign objects and foreigners? I think so. Others fear what the "Mat Salleh" 10,000 km away might say about us and our policies. Xenophobia? I think so. Then there was the general policy that we should shun all things imported, shun all values "western", reverting to BM as a medium of education and information dispersal etc. Xenophobia? I think so (though it might be argued that its instead nationalism. I think it goes in tandem. Nationalism plays a big part in xenophobia vice-versa.)

What people fail to realize is as borders are opened, there is still perception lingering in many that foreigners are invading our nations. We continue to feel uneasy as they come to take our jobs, or rights, or land, or economy. Yet we continue to be fully dependent on them for the very things we refuse to do ourselves. Why is it in a world of opening borders, we continue to place an emphasis on nationality and race?

We go back to the case of the victim of the ear-squat scandal. Why was so much emphasis placed on her being a citizen of china (later proved wrong), then her being a chinese woman? Why not just refer to her as a victim of questionable police procedures? Perplexing isn't it, how we take one step forward, and two steps back. As for me, I walk forwards with my head looking back. Ever "fearful" of the foreigner that will attempt to rob me of everything I have.

The Anniversary

November 26th

Congratulations.

Lets commemorate this day, with a prayer.

"Some people are built more heartless than others,
Some people are built stronger than others.
Some people are built bigger, better liars,
Some people are built more resolute and unnerving.
Some people are built to betray and betray,
Some people are built to ignore and more.

What You took away from me, I will get back.
What I lost to You, I will compensate.
It may have all been a distant memory,
But it is the rawness of yesterday,
that keeps me going.

I remember that retribution has its many ways,
And revenge many more.
For as long as I am alive,
They will NEVER be at peace.
For as long as I am here,
You will kick them out of paradise.

The two things I owe,
neither was deserved.
Grant me the strength for another year.
And the patience of many more.

Amen."

Today is a very special day. If I've made it thus far,
I can make it through anything. Bleak winters a'comin.

*******************************************************************************
Yesterday I walked from KLCC to KL Sentral. Nothing better to do on a Friday night apparently. It was nice. All 2 hours of it, from Jalan Ampang, to Lebuh Ampang, to Masjid India, to Central Market, including the pitstop at Petaling Street. It was great, it was relaxing, it was hot as hell, but it was fun to be in the company of some great friends. People equally crazy enough to walk that far. Gave us alot of time to think, and alot of time to talk. Gave me some time to be both on my own, but at the same time in the company of friends.

I'll never try that again. It was just depressing in a way. Normal people spend time chilling out on a Friday night. I think I'll dedicate that walk to the anniversary above. Amen!

Thinking

We all believe in sound planning. We believe that with a little more thought, an occation, a trip, your life, the future would jive a little better. I used to put a lot of thought into planning. I'd spend hours at a time, pondering, mulling, thinking of how something was best done. How best to approach a situation, how I'd like my life to be at a certain target age.

It amazes me the possibilities an idle mind can bring. Sit alone for 20 minutes in a corner, uninterrupted, and you might just come up with a cure for cancer. Sit alone for a further 20 minutes, and you'd be spewing quantum physics from your ears. A further 20 minutes after that, and they'd have to admit you to the psychiatric ward.

I used to think that most things in life especially shouldn't be over-thought. I used to think that I'd cross the bridge when I get there. Que Sera Sera man. But what happens if bridges are burned? What happens if bridges are swept away? What happens if at the end of the day, you'd just want to walk along the river without actually crossing that bridge? What if, you burn that bridge?

Consequences are not something to be thought of too much. Simple reason being that there are too many possibilities, infinite in amount and so unpredictable, you might as well try predicting what the next Euro lottery numbers are. It becomes especially bad if there are other humans involved. No matter how long you've known a person, and how much time you've spent analyzing the bugger, you'd never really know what that person will do in a certain situation. See how in a single paragraph I've manage to contradict myself?

The coming months will be a turning point in my life. Typical of any mid twenties adult, changes are abound. Drama, oh the drama. I used to live in a time where what I did never had repercussions lasting longer than a month. What I do in the next few months, could and would change my life forever. Or it might not. We'll see.

So, the moral of the story is this. Don't think when you don't have to. Think when you need to. Think when you have nothing better to do. Think in the morning when your mind is free and fresh and released from the shakles of your problems of yesterday and problems to come. Think no longer than 40 minutes. Think it is time to stop now.

Questions?

If you somehow knew that you'd die tomorrow, and that you only had one thing that you could do, within your means, what would it be? In cases such as these, you'd usually get a myriad of cliched answers. Some wish to rob a bank, others would like to do something daring like bungee jumping. I've even heard of those who'd drink their life savings away on a night of drunken vice, and well, more drunken vice. Obviously the more pious among us would opt to pray, say our last goodbyes et al.

Think about it. If you had only one thing that you could do, within your means, obviously it'll have to be something significant. Something to be remembered for generations to come. You'd want to leave a mark on this world. You'd wanna feel like you've accomplished something, or that your existance has brought meaning not only to others, but more importantly to yourself. Above all else, you'd wanna exit in peace, not only with nature, and those around you, but with yourself. Or you can choose to exit with a bang. Basically, and I bet everyone would agree, this is the part in all of us that is programmed. No one wants to be forgotten.

Now, the more pertinent question that you'd have to ask yourself, is why is it, that if its within your means now, have you not done it? Why have you opted only to do it upon the knowledge of impending parting of your soul from substance? Why is it so hard to do something that would leave a mark now? Something that could possibly change your life and the people around you. Why wait? Is it because upon death we have nothing to lose? Really, what have we got to lose now, if our intentions/actions are good? What could be so wrong with putting things right now?

Any day could be my last day. Be it 50 hours, 50 days, 50 months, or 50 years from now. Yet I am procrastinating. I don't know when I'm going to die. I hope I'd be able to fulfill my wish before I die.

Brain Drain

Dr. Chua, my dear health minister; you obviously do not have any relatives, friends or acquaintances who study overseas. If not you wouldn't be so surprised right? I mean, you are totally ignorant of the ages-long fact that overseas graduates, after being exposed to life, well, overseas just do not want to come home anymore. Make sure you bring it up to the cabinet. Complain to the weakling fatherly figure, and see what he has to say. Make sure you lament enough in the national papers too. The issue will die down anyway, because mark my words, this isn't the first time such an issue has risen, and very definitely wont be the last.

The brain drain has been going on for ages my dear. The government, and just about every other private company scholarship and MARA had been dilligently sending scholars overseas, only to not even get a whiff of their prized assets 5 years after sending them there. Would you care to hear about how to solve such a problem?

Firstly, that bloody contract that you require every scholar to sign, exercise it the minute you get a chance to. Don't wait 3 years before opening up the file, and another 3 years before you subpoena them. Secondly, hire all those Ah-Longs that you've put in jail. Should the scholars refuse to return, shame their families. Publish their names. Send dead chickens, coffins, red paint their house and send chrysenthemums. Change the clause to disallow staggered payments upon breaking the bond. See which fucking bank would wanna give a loan of RM 1 Million to a fresh graduate. Go after their ramshackled guarantors. Make them pay.

Sounds a little harsh some of you might say, but there is no fucking way I am going to let my hard-earned tax money be used by a bunch of selfish thoughtless traitors to get an education, only not to return to serve their country. Don't like the harsh rules, don't opt for the scholarship then. No one was complaining when they first signed for the PWD scholarship. So why complain when you have to return? Have some gratitude for godsakes. The government/private company/MARA was there for you when your future hung in the balance and your poor-assed parents couldn't afford to pay for your education and the education of your 10 other siblings. What the hell is wrong with sacrificing some of your time in return? Traitor. They should rescind your fucking citizenship. They should treat your entire family like pariahs.

Loyalty in the world today cannot be cultivated anymore. Everyone is a mercenary. Gone are the days when repayment went way beyond monetary debt. I can understand the perks of remaining overseas. I never went overseas to study, but the gold plated grassfields across the sea are very tempting to say the least. But I was once a scholar, and I intend, with all my might to repay what I owe. I may go through some hard times, I may end up doing something I do not even like. I am definitely earning less than those who choose to work elsewhere. But at least, I know that I have done my part. I have no beef with those who go on their own money and decide to stay. That is their own prerogative. Their own money. It's when they waste the people's money that people get mad.

And what about the future? The government should actually make it worthwhile to attract their overseas scholars home. Put together a nice package if they have to. Do what Singapore did, and restore the glory associated with serving the government. Instead of focusing on just corruption, why not make the government a proper, dynamic environment conducive and meeting the expectations of the overseas grads. Retire all those old bastards who refuse to move with the times. Its the only way forward.

What of the gulf between local universities and overseas ones? I'm sure local grads would feel shortchanged if overseas grads were treated better. For starters, it is about time that all local universities reverted back to English as its medium of communication and knowledge dispersion. We all feel nostalgic about BM and its lack of prominence, but English has inadvertantly become the lingua franca. The business, trade, commerce, finance, mathematics, engineering language of choice for the future. Move with the flow, or drown opposing it.

And for fucks sake, do something about our fucking Ringgit. No way is it going to compete with Euros or Dollars or Pound Sterling at the current rate. Forget about boosting exports. All you are doing is making a bunch of conglomerates and chinamen rich. We should no longer aim to compete with the likes of China and India, because truthfully, we can't compete with those prices. Concentrate instead on niche technology, on quality and precise goods. Concentrate on expertise. People pay a lot for expertise.

It's time Malaysians were given a better life. We deserve to buy more from every Ringgit that we have in our hardworking hands. When is everyone going to realize that China goods suck. We deserve better. We deserve more. So what are you going to do about it dear government?

It's Raya Malaysia! Rejoice!

Its Raya, its time for forgiveness. Its time for wiping your slate clean, only to screw around and destroy other people for the rest of the year. Then its back to wiping the slate clean. I love the system. Anyway, along with the tradition of new clothes, new curtains, a haircut and morning forgiveness and prayer, I would like to take this opportunity to seek forgiveness from this world. It is afterall, only appropriate, since I feel that I have stepped on many a toe since the last raya. (Wonder if I will be receiving any forgiveness in return, considering that my toes have also been stepped upon many many times - I've got toes as big as my ankles from all the swelling).

So here it is.

Selamat Hari Raya. Happy Raya. Maaf Zahir Batin. Sorry Inside Out. Dari pangkal rambut, sampai ke kaki. From the tips of my hair, to the edge of my feet.

This is however, only a general apology (I am not begging mind you). If you do not receive one personally from me in the coming days/weeks, this just means that:

a) You have deemed me unworthy of your company - you don't deserve an apology.
b) You don't deserve an apology.
c) I have totally forgot to seek your forgiveness. (Plausible)

So there you have it. Yippie. Raya's here. Oh the mundane things I get to do on raya morning. The same morning that had lost its meaning, more than 10 years ago. We still somehow need it don't we?

Untitled

Stumped by past forlorn
by hell be gone,
by heaven's scorn
The middle is where I stand,
the drifter I've become,
Where is my guiding hand?
Why was I abandoned?

And when that wall hits you
What would you do? What should I do?
And when she steps all over you
Do you see it through?
I dont want me to..

Its all a farce,
this life's routine,
No one can save me,
As the Silver Lining chokes,
As the optimism drowns
As the hope sedates,

Your presence is scarce,
All too familiar this place Ive been,
Open my eyes to see,
I will rebuild my spokes,
With happiness and sounds
Faraway from that fate.

And when that wall hits you
What would you do? What should I do?
And when she steps all over you
Do you see it through?
I dont want me to..

Where is my desire?
Why am I still here?
What do I do Sir?
How does it all end for her?
When will it start for sure?

It's Fasting Month!

What is a free-loving, alcohol trotting, pork gobbling "muslim" like me doing fasting, I've heard many people ask me. Truthfully, fasting IS a pain in the arse. I mean, what's to like about it? You dont get to drink, eat, cuss, fuck, wank, hear bad things nor even think it. It's supposed to teach patience, sacrifice, observance to divine law and subject yourself as the ultimate slave/servant of God. But really, what is the point, if the other 11 months of the year, you're a fucker, even if you're a Saint for 1 month (this encourages hypocritism). And really, if you are a Saint for 12 months of the year, you'd be lying through the pores of your clenching anus, because even Saints are not Saints 12 months of the year.

Somewhere in religion, individualism is lost. Somewhere in the interpretation of religion, the interpretation is lost. That is what I basically don't agree about it. I do not see their right on imposing their beliefs on others. Neither do I see their right to save me from damnation, or make me follow the supposed right path. I especially don't see their right in meddling in how I choose to carry myself and live my life, even if all they do is stare in their "disappointment". Believe me, I am not talking just about muslims.

See how everything is becoming stiffling? Most of us don't do something because we wholly believe in it. We do it because if we don't someone will be condemning us or would be very disappointed in us. Its as though, if you observe religion, you're a better person than a free thinker or a sun worshipper who does believe in God, but does not have any preference for religion.

Back to me. I don't know. I really have no clue. I guess the best explanation of this is that I do it out of habit. I was brought up in observance of Islamic law in all its glory and flaws. When my parents told me to pray, I'd pray. In religious class, I was the class pet. Though my knowledge of Islam may be based on the rather scholastic Jabatan Pendidikan curriculum, I'd say that even that is rather a lot of knowledge. Somewhere deep inside me, I do want to be a good muslim. By this I mean the "good"muslim in the eyes of conventionalism. The problem with this is that I don't want to be a "good" muslim now. I'd prefer to be given the freedom and opportunity to pursue what I deem is acceptable, not what society and a few men in headgear and robes think acceptable. Religion to me, is a very personal relationship between you and your creator. The whole point of it is to maintain that relationship, which ever way you want to do it. It shouldn't matter that another method be preferred to your method.

Truthfully, I do not think a lot seperates me from the good muslim, either than the fact that the good muslim probably devotes more time to religion. Even then, you get people who devote plenty to religion, and still act like bastards, condemning all that is "wrong" in his/her skewed eyes. There are even bigger bastards that block roads and refuse to move their vehicle in the name of reverence to God. I've come to believe most muslims oppose the war against Iraq just because Iraq is a "muslim" country, and that the invading forces are "kafir laknat" (infidels). In other words, they would not care less if Iraq was replaced with, say, Israel. In fact, they'd be extremely delighted if it were Israel. What happened to the notion of opposing a war because wars bring death, destruction and suffering?

Tomorrow, fasting month starts. I am not looking forward to it. But I have to. I just hopes that somehow, it's beneficial to me. I don't want promises of eternal gratitude in heaven. I do this because it's become a habit. I do this because I believe in its benefits. I do this for my own ulterior motives. I do this because I want to.

*******************************************************************************

P.S. To the fucking M.P's bickering in Parliament about some dumb A.P list that contains your fucking names. I did not vote you mother fuckers to debate on whether a portly bitch that double-crossed you by releasing that list should be referred to some dumb committee. Frankly, I couldn't even be bothered as to why some Bumi fucker gets more A.P.'s than the next Bumi fucker. I especially did not vote you to protect a fucking failure of a national car company just because its a national car company. I voted you so that you could take care of the interest of the public, not a select few.

Please debate about how to end poverty, increase productivity in the government, about making Malaysia a better place to live. Please debate about ways of increasing our standard of living, about a stronger currency, a better and more efficient taxation system and reducing crime, about an effective way on preventing profiteering. Please vote on a motion to stop the rediculous notion that public transport be a money making entity of the government, about diverting the subsidies for oil into improving/subsidizing our public transportation network and services, or vote against the dumb idea that all non-performing GLC's be automatically bought by Khazanah. Please approve the immediately-effective ruling to reduce alcohol prices. Stop thinking just about your fucked up selves. The world does not just revolve around you. Amen!

T.G.I.F. (2 Days Too Late)

The part about blogging is that you rarely write about something that will happen in the future. Most of what will be written is about the past, and what had been done. That's because we are all reporters. Its how people are. We love the 20/20 vision that hindsight brings. We hate the bright future because it blinds us in discotheque white lights.

Now this is exceptionally true for me, because not only do I love hindsight, I revel in reporting done 2 days too late. Well, actually, I revel much more in reporting never done at all, but for the sake of the miniscule readership of this blog, I'd have to give something right? So here it is, my life in a nutshell, 2 days ago.

It turned out a pretty day to be walking to the bustop. And the bus ride was, well, ordinary. Things did turn weird however when I walked straight into the emptiest LRT ever. I mean, this is what you'd get at the first train in the morning and the last train. When no one bothers to take the LRT. Not at rush hour. Usually I'd have to wedge myself between the civic-consciousless aunty and those buggers who refuse to remove their burdened backpacks in a crowded place. Nope, not today, not in this LRT. I could lie down on the floor and do my version of the snow angel and still people could walk in and out of the LRT without stepping on me.

Halfway through the morning (somewhere between my breakfast and settling down with work), the emergency system sounded. I had been waiting 2 whole years for this. Can you imagine, KLCC, all two towers of it, evacuating in their version of a mega firedrill. It was so damn cool (in a pimply teenage underaged sorta way). Well, and I confirmed the truth of my suspicion all this time that Tower 2 is where all the chicks are working (for the chicks reading this blog, its also a place where all the "hot" guys are). So, tip from my blog. If you feel like working in KLCC, head to Tower 2. Its where the pretty faces are. (Disclaimer: The author will not accept responsibility for subsequent nose bleeds OR utter disappointment.)

By night time, I'd found myself sitting in the most expensive seats for the extravaganza known as Stomp!. Show was great, atmosphere was superb, and my mouth was gaping the whole show, but, and this is a very very small but, actually; what on holy earth were they thinking when they did the ticket pricing for this show? It seemed as though they were trying to make it exclusive. I mean its one thing to pay those guys for performing, and I'm sure the sponsors were there to ensure no loss was made, but really, something as great as Stomp should be made accessible to all, not just the Mat Sallehs, yuppies and Datuks who could afford tickets. And if they were thinking of matching ticket prices here to those in Broadway and West End, well, we've only got our toilet paper valueless currency that serves no one except multinationals and a select group of Malaysian exporters, to blame.

One ghost-busride later (another empty bus - this time scarier because there were only 3 people on it), and I had an invitation to the Loft. Ah, another first. Three words. Loved the place! It was tasteful, it had a terrace which was seperated by a glass wall and doors that kept music in, and most importantly, the crowd was a good crowd. For a horny guy like me, good crowd equals hot women left right and centre, all checking you out. It was a good place to chill, or just about do whatever you wanted. If you felt like chatting up someone without having to blow your voicebox, do it in the balcony. The music's there, but just. And if you've felt that you've had enough fo talking and wanna get down to some serious action (dancing action I mean), a glass door is all that seperates you from the centre-bar, and the dancefloor. Superb. Nevermind the bomb I had to pay for the drinks and covercharge. Exclusivity here, I don't mind. Keeps the clamshell kids out.

So, that was my friday in a nutshell. Not your most typical Friday, but not thatt eventful either. But it was a welcome change from the gloom shrouding this blog and well, my existance. It did however, remind me, that sometimes emptiness could be rejoiced in, but that it could be scary. And most importantly, that friends sometimes pop up when you least expect them to. Amigos para siempres, as they'd usually say.

The Girl In The LRT

Sometimes, amidst the rubble that has become your existance, you find hope. That one person that crosses your path each day. The same person that though you've never been formally introduced, nor exchanged even the simplest of hellos, carries with her calmness, warmth and love; the attributes you so sorely miss and so badly need.

If there would be reasons to wake up in the morning to plough through the rubble and debris, its because you might, just might, cross paths with her again. I hope for it each day. The sight brings kindness and calmness only found in the deepest solitary spaces of your inner heart. A mere brush, a stolen whiff of her perfume, hidden glances. You know there could be something. Youd know, only if you made the first move.

Attraction transcends a pretty face and a perky ass. I am this much closer to life. I've seen her twice. I want her in my life. If only...

Merdeka!

Kemerdekaan bagiku, bukanlah berkaitan dengan perjuangan sekumpulan cendiakiawan dan ahli politik. Kemerdekaan bagiku, bukanlah teriakan dan laungan dipagi hari. Kemerdekaan bagiku, hanyalah jiwa yang bebas daripada belenggu pemikiran sistem sokongan kecacatan. Tidaklah aku hendak mencerca orang kurang upaya, aku hanya ingin meluahkan perasaanku sebagai seorang yang berani meraungi kehidupan ini tanpa pertolongan.

Hakikatnya, generasikulah yang paling alpa dalam menjalani kehidupan. Setiap satu mengharapkan pertolongan, sokongan, bantuan. Mungkin pada suatu masa dahulu moyang kita terpaksa bekerja keras demi menjaga cita-cita dan harapan mereka. Betapa bezanya kehidupan dahulukala berbanding dengan falsafah tunggak negara kita.

Kibarkanlah bendera kemerdekaan kita. Berusahalah mencapai masa depan dan impian kita. Janganlah mengharapkan dorongan dan bantuan pihak luar. Disinilah berakhirnya tangan yang hanya sanggup menggapai angan-angan kosong. Disinilah bermulanya kekesatan dan keperitan usaha gigih, yang akhirnya hanyalah untuk kebaikan diri kita sendiri. Bukankah ini makna sebenarnya kemerdekaan?

Ingatlah bahawa tidak seribu tahun, seribu generasi kita akan dianjakkan pertolongan pihak luar. Ingatlah bahawa semakin lama kita dilayani bagai orang kurang upaya, semakin lemahlah kita, dibuai kesenangan hidup, ditolak diatas kerusi roda, hidup dalam kecacatan usaha, ketandusan pemikiran. Bilakah lagi jika tidak sekarang kita bangkit menghadapi cabaran. Peluang keemasan tidak menunggu mereka yang ketinggalan. Hanyalah kehampaan dan kekesalan menanti mu diperjalanan hidup itu.

Our Pals, The Indons

WARNING: IF YOU LOVE INDONESIANS, HAIL FROM INDONESIA, OR JUST WANT TO MARRY THEIR CHILDREN, DON'T READ THIS POST. IF YOU BELIEVE IN FAIR AND HONEST ARGUMENT.. YOU MAY TURN AWAY NOW TOO.

For a long long time I had wanted to comment on the haze. Every single lazy, jobless day in the office I sat at my desk contemplating. I thought, why fan the fire (literally)? I ought to be a polite, neighbour-loving Malaysian. Love thy neighbour, Big Joe commanded. Don't do unto others what you won't do to yourself the famous saying goes. Yeah, fuck all that to hazy hell.

For a very long time the Indonesians have been jealous of us all. A deceitful and bitter lot really. The Kiasu King Singaporeans were always top of the ASEAN class with their autocratic democracy, followed generally by a tussle for second between Turbulent Thaksin Thailand, Lagging Malaysia and rank outsiders, the Drama-Queen Phillipines. As of late though, the Constipations, Aquinos, Arroyos, Copulations and Macapagals of our region have gone to the dumps, due to, what else, infighting. Brunei generally don't figure in any plans, as the Sultan "sapu's" everything (including his poor father) in his greedy path, while the Myanmarese play Double Whammy with Human Rights military rule, as Cambodia and Laos go about their business in confused chaos.

Nooo. Not the Indons. A brash and outgoing lot they are. They wont stand aside, while Pertamina, with its much, much wider base of resources squats in the perpetual longish shadow of Petronas. Nope, not due to corruption. Just due those unfair Dutch bastards at Royal Shell. They wont bear with Malaysia sending back all their citizens without work permits. Oh no. Not a single aid for their own people (we bore all the costs). Knowing that Malaysia will cripple with the shocking lack of blue collared workers, they withhold any of their citizens from coming back with a proper work permit. Hmm, we need 300 Million more processes for approval they thought. Don't even get me started on claims for useless islands on unproven oil reserve territories in the middle of pirate infested waters. Oh, and howabout the snatch thieves and burgalars? The balls of that fella that wanted to register his child as a Bumiputera by cheating our registration office. Mother Fuckers.

I've not commented on the haze have I? Its really just a case of fucking us up every year. "This is how we clear land since our forefathers". Fuck you stupid Environment Minister of Indonesia. If your forefathers cut off their own cocks as they licked creamy Dutch balls, would you do the same? "We don't have enough people to fight the raging fires". Wonder why our New Straits Times decided to publish a picture of Indonesian volunteers, in clean white canvas shoes, and specially made t-shirts and trackbottoms, emptying a pail of water onto what looks like peat soil? I used to remember viewing footage of American firefighters in action in California, extinguishing bush fires. They happened to be in full gear, soiled top to bottom in soot, and looking like they could sleep 30 hours after that ordeal. Don't seem to remember any smiling Indons in school shoes with buckets. Poor arsed excuse. Oh, and the balls to start blaming Malaysia companies for starting the fires. Didn't you say that this was how you cleared land since you came crawling out of the forests?

And what did our government do about this? "In times like these, I look for Divine intervention. Lets all have special prayers." I choked on a glob of haze when I read that. For now, I am NOT voting for that weakling to be back in office. Our leaders are supposed to fight for our rights and interests. Not placate to bullshit slung from across the Straits of Malacca. Finally, after the haze had cleared, due to 3 days and 3 nights of Badawi prayers, we deploy our first batch of firefighters. Yay, lets help our neighbours extinguish the fires they started. Yay, lets pay for it ourselves. Yay, we love giving handouts to neighbours who don't give a fuck about us. Wished a Tsunami hit them a second time. At least it'll help extinguish those impossible peat fires, whilst killing all the culprits who set fire to the jungle. But, what of innocent women and children? I say.. Go especially for the women and children. Women will give birth to children, and children will learn to burn jungles to clear land, just as their useless forefathers. (Yes this is all written in poor form, damn me.)

And what of the next time something like this happens? Oh, lets do everything all over again! Lets all wear masks, be sick, breathe fucked up air and pray that the winds shift direction. Lets send our brave men over to Indonesia a day too late. We can't stop them from burning forests. It's how they have been clearing land since their forefathers. No no no Malaysia, don't intrude on the way our neighbours do things. Lets just be polite and drop like flies from poor air while praying for rain shall we?

P.S. I have met some very nice Indonesians. (My great attempt at balancing out my arguments)

The Reinvention: Me

Recent events have forced a rethink. To reassess the current situation. To devise ingenious ways of making me happy again. I've come up with a solution. A cunning plan if you may call it that (Oh how I love Black Adder). I call it: Reinventing Yourself. Ta-daaa. Yeah, not much of a new idea.

Question that has been bugging me the last 2 hours in the gym, is how do I go about reinventing myself?How long will it take before I see results? And do I really want to be like the mother of all self-reinventions, Madonna? Err, not really. Does anybody have a blinking idea of how to do it?

Actually, now that I've thought about it, I've decided that a physical approach to this would be all wrong. I mean conical bras, prancing around the stage in leotards while making millions off wanking boys does sound appealing, but it all tires out, eventually. I want something substantial, something lasting, and something that comes from within.

I want to change the situations/surroundings that affect my life, and the way I react. I want to feel alive again. I want to change the way I think, the way I look at a picture and the way I approach each day that passes. I want too many things, while still not knowing how to accomplish it.

I can see now that it is a long term project. It involves courage to do the things I have not even contemplated previously. Most of all, it involves more dark days, before I see light again. I shall go boldly where I have never gone before. I shall start by eliminating those that no longer bring value in my life. To move to new surroundings, detach myself from what I have become accustomed to knowing and loving. This is something I have to do every 10 years of my life. Question that lingers now is, do you bring value to my life? Goodbye, if I don't say it later.

Midweek (ok, not so midweek) Gripe

What has transpired over the last couple of weeks regarding the AP issue has made me sick to the stomach. Pariah-ing a 60 year old ex-economics professor over a bunch of certificates is one thing, but blaming her for the poor performance of Proton, well that's just pathetic.

So, I hereby pledge, that I will never buy a Proton. No car company that would stoop so low as to say it's doing poorly because of foreign imports (that are more expensive anyway) deserves my hard earned money. As far as I am concerned, I'll take my chances with the rickety public transportation system. You be my witness.

My get out of the pledge above clause is that when they do buck up (or fuck off), I will consider owning one. Else, no point being patriotic over something so pathetic, no matter who is at the helm, as advisor or otherwise.

Of Bastards and Dogs

I live in old-suburbia PJ, where streets are lined with decrepit bungalows, built in an age where very much every other part of PJ was nothing more than acres of rubber estates. In this part of town, all you get are ancient Tan Sri's, Datuks, YB's and generally old people, living out their years in what they deem as idillic. To me, you just end up feeling older in the company of old people. Doesn't help that chicks are rare and far between (by this I mean the daughters/grandaughters available). When you do find them, they're just about old enough for you to call "kakak/aunty". Far cry from Sri Hartamas (where I used to live, back when it wasn't as famous).

What we DO have though, are lots of dogs. On the street I live in, 11 of the 17 houses lining it have at least 1 dog. On average, there are about 1.5 dogs per house I reckon. A real animal's heaven this. Now, I've got nothing against dogs, and I must admit that most of them are pretty friendly to the frequent walker like me. What I am against, is the releasing of dogs in the evenings and nights, so that they can do their thing (poo digested Pedigree Chow Chow) all over the street. Its disgraceful really, how old and well off people cannot and will not be a little more civic conscious.

Most people don't give a dogs ass, because they don't have to walk along the street. It becomes a minefield in the mornings, having to avoid, sidestep and jostle my way around piles of dogdung. This, while chewing on breakfast, and planning my working day. As if that isn't enough to contend with, everytime a car goes over a pile of shit, it multiplies the patches. Spreading the joy all over. What was essentially one pile turns out to be 5 patches after a car goes over it. Have another car go over the patch, and it's multiplied again. Reminds me of my art project in kindergarten.

What should have been done is an amendment to the municipal laws (along with its due enforcement of course). If owners can't be bothered about picking up after their dogs, pound every single unattended animal outside the owner's compound. Animal needs exercise? Tough luck, you'd have to bring them for a walk yourself. Not let them run free dumbass. Else you'd prefer me picking up after your dog, after which I will throw your dog poo on your spanking new Mercedes. Owning pets brings about responsibility, just in case you don't know.

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I was on my way to breakfast this morning when I passed by a newspaper vendor. There, one particular headline caught my eye. It said, "Anak Halal Jadi Haram" (From legitimate child to bastard). With just about every other newspaper talking about the fuel price hike, this was the exception. Not wanting to spend RM 1 on what is essentially tabloid material, I took a brief glance at what the article had to say.

Apparently, it said that a father was grief stricken when he found out he couldn't put his name on the birth certificate of his child because his marriage certificate was fake. Question. Who the fuck comes up with fake marriage certs, and for what purpose? Where the hell did he obtain a fake cert, and lastly but most importantly, isn't it stupid that a father not be given his right to put his name as the child's father in the birth cert?

These cases brings back the whole ideal of marriages in our often religious and cultural eyes. I'm guessing that the guy probably got married somewhere along the Thai border to avoid detection by his first wife, either that or he just bought a certificate so as not to get caught with his pants down in a dingy motel when religious officers come knocking. Else, I can't forsee any other reason as to why the state religious department itself would issue fake marriage certs.

Of greater importance is the fact that they will rather let the child be a bastard child, without a father to "call his own", rather than having a man, who professes to being the father of the child, being allowed to claim so legitimately. I really do hope it has nothing to do with being legitimately/religiously married. Is this, or is this not a flaw in our system? What is the rationale of having marriage be prerequisite for being a father? What the fuck is happening?

Gripes of the Week

• I don't get it. Why would a woman wear a very svelt, body hugging low cut white blouse with black bra to "match", only to fold her arms everywhere she goes (or hide her boobs behind a file/bag), even while walking. What is the logic of wearing something like that but not wanting to show off? Off course I'm going to stare at you. Woman, you've got nice breasts.
  

• Wow, we have a Klu Klux Klan in Malaysia. Supposedly going around in robes and masks, torching concrete teapots in the sky kingdom, "in the name of Big Joe". Wonder if they have pointy white hats, meet in swampy areas, and crucify anyone. Oh, and true to our Malaysian way of doing things, they've only managed to "cause some minimal damage" (want to copy, do some serious damage la wei). Malaysia boleh. Hope mass graves aren't next on the list.