Monday, April 18, 2005


My router has given way. This means that I would:
  • Have to blog from my father's computer. (No privacy, no comfy room, too many peering eyes)
  • Not blog at all until my father replaces the router. (Distinct but very real possibility, but this could be for days, or even weeks, since he doesn't consider the router to be top of his priority list)
Such is life. When things die on you, you look for a replacement. Wish human relationships were that simple. By the way, first day of work was today. Officially a new chapter in my life. PETRONAS, remains in my eyes, as just another glorified government department.

Will try to update in the comings days. I am aware of my obligations as a blogger, haha.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Marriage Porridge

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, as with most fairy tales, a princess will find her prince and they will live happily ever after. Then, things got complicated. They started having kids, the royal families clashed in ideologies and thought, the royal dog fell ill and died of tape worm disease, pandemic outbreak of chicken flu hit their kingdom, and everything under the sun came raining on them.

This seems to be a problem with fairy tales. They always stop before the shit hits the fan. Sure, the evil witch, or the ugly count, or the big bad wolf will make life miserable, but it seems that after so many trials and tribulations, everyone will find that silver lining and die happy, with their partner buried next to them. It became such an obsession, that kids were, and continue to be brainwashed with the notion of a happy ending. That getting married should be the goal of a lifetime, and that raising a family with a dog and a backyard is everyone's dream.

I, like others, grew up believing in the sacred union of marriage. Of finding the one you love, marrying that person and living a life of happiness, together. I believeD, that getting married meant something big, meant something special, and most of all meant a commitment to one another. The problem is, that nowadays, people give up too easily. I see this especially happening with the western world, where the doctrine stands: if you ain't happy with it, pack up and leave. True that maybe if all you have to do is keep on trying and trying, it'll become tiring and really, those are very good grounds to quit, but where do we draw that little line after which everything is just too much to bear.

Then theres the issue of the need for marriage itself. If there is indeed a bind that the contract comes with, how come more and more couples each year are getting divorced? Does it really entail 2 people working really hard at building and keeping it all intact? If so, then why do some other people see having children as the ultimate reason for staying together, instead of the marriage itself? Why not skip marriage and just go straight to making children? Or do we have a long standing issue with society's perception of bastards?

I know of many couples out there that just suppress all their emotion and anger and continue life, semi-happy, because of their kids. Everyone is frustrated, but hell, putting the kids through divorce is a lot worse right? Really kind of turns you off from marriage. We have enough burden grappling with our work/career and wrestling with other commitments. Yet people still do get married. Baffling.

If you happen to know of anyone working in the CVLB, please pass this message on to them:

The reason why you are currently being overwhelmed with smses and phone calls COULD be because you haven't done anything at all to alleviate the situation. It COULD also be because no action has been taken to bring all those errant taxi drivers/trailer drivers/bus drivers to justice. Maybe, it WOULD do you some good if you did something about the problem instead of getting your sorry asses wrapped in red tape/political clout/half-baked self-centered driver's unions (or shoving it down some other government departments throat). MAYBE then, the complaints will stop. There is absolutely no point in shutting down the hotline just because you can't cope with the daily traffic it generates. TRY solving problems for a change. It MIGHT work.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

The Inner Sanctuary

There is nothing better than a dose of Ray Charles to lift the spirits. In Ray Charles lies the allure around oldies and its happy go lucky tunes. Even when muddled in sadness, the tunes still manage to lift you from that hole that you've dug for yourself, with your own bare hands. I'm not sure if it's an apt representation of how things were back then, but a little less complication going about life could actually be good for everyone. I guess we all choose the more complicated path, and if you're a bonafide "drama-queen" like I am, the complicated path is always that little bit more appealing.

I discovered today, from a movie for kids ( I won't mention which one, because they would have to pay me advertising fees if I did), how important it is to have a sanctuary to retreat to, even more so, if you are in the middle of that complicated path. I know of a very special Cabbage who takes great solace in cleaning and clearing up ( I should invite her to my room more often), and others who find solace in music and playing musical instruments, or peace of mind in sleep and food.

Which was why I took a very special trip down memory lane today, literally. My sanctuary is a very distinct and intricate web of woven memories, a colorful patchwork made of my happy times. To enter that sanctuary, I go for walks. It can be a walk to nowhere, or a walk in circles at the back of my desk. As long as I go for a walk, the happy times are in. It becomes all the more special if the walks I go for pass by one of the many places my memories have taken place. I just couldn't help smiling to myself, reminiscing, remembering, and missing. To the rest of you, it's just a normal place, with no significant meaning.

Sometimes all we need to do in our hectic, busy bee lives is to sit down, and take a breather. Sometimes all we need to do in despair is to draw hope from the past. Sometimes all we need is to be truly happy. Whichever way we achieve it and by whatever means. Tell me, how many of us are truly happy. Its been a long time, but step by step, I'm getting there. When will you?

Friday, April 08, 2005

Caveman Joe

The problem with jet lag is that it makes you extremely sleepy at very odd hours of the day. I found myself to be wide awake in the middle of the night, but extremely sleepy as the day awakens. This has led me to sleeping at 6am the past few days, waking up for lunch at 1.30pm, and continuing my slumber until around 7pm. Coincidentally, this could also be due to the fact that prior to my excursion (Yes, I still call it that. Sounds more sophisticated than "holiday"), I've been up to pretty much the same schedule. Coincidentally too, this could be due to the fact that I am fat and like to sleep alot and at odd hours. BUT, I am going to blame jet lag for now, because like all fat, lazy men, I am in denial.

Yesterday, while in the middle of one of my beauty-sleeps, my father woke me up. He asked me to come down and said there was a lot to do. So, being the fillial son that I was, I heeded his commands. He asked me to wear some rubber fisherman boots, and threw me some gloves. I had just woken up, dazed and confused. Then I saw the carnage in my backyard. Apparently the storm had washed half my garden away, with 2 big trees that needed to be cut down because it was dragging and leaning against other trees.

There is an incessant need in all men, big or small, to exude machoness. And I can tell you, that there is no better way to do it than to wield a chainsaw (or drive an 18-wheeler cross-continent). Nevermind that it was a "kuchified" electric chainsaw and not the gasoline powered ones (which I have used before, mind you). I truly felt like the master of that poor half-fallen tree. I ravage it like it was a hot young gorgeous model that begged me for pleasure. I raped it till it couldn't scream in orgasmic pleasure anymore. So that was a little overdramatic, but I really felt like a man in charge, like I was emitting so much sexiness that any woman passing by would eagerly want me to be the father of their babies. My sperm felt strong and agile. Mighty sperm.

Which brings me to another point. I believe that the driving force behind all humans on earth is the need to continue the line, to maintain the family and produce the next generation (in other words, to fuck and get babies). Everything on earth that we have done, from the time we were foetuses to the time we die is geared to ensuring the survival of our species. People might say, how has going to school got anything to do with procreation? Well, the reason why we go to school is so that we will be equipped with basic knowledge which will expand as we progress and finally lead us to our degrees. Then we look for a job, so that we can all become independent, appealing and support the family that we might be building. Families usually mean offspring. Adopted kids are also a legacy of their parents.

But what becomes of the old maid, or the 50 year old bachelor? Truth is, nature is all about survival of the fittest. Species' will continue to survive and evolve because it is the strongest and is able to. I may be mean by saying this, but maybe old maids and sad 50 year old bachelors aren't meant to be the strongest around. And so their legacy dies with them. Since it is the survival of the fittest, it's about people snagging the best the opposite sex has to offer. To some this may mean the smartest of the lot, to others the richest, or the strongest, or most feminine or most beautiful, or most interesting.

Which explains why men feel a primal need to exude testosterone and machoness. Look at me, me Huggawaloo *thumps barrel chest*, me strong *kills 2 woolly mammoths for breakfast*, me can operate chainsaw *ravages the neighbours hedge*. If only my father didn't build that perimeter wall. I'd be busy making womenkind happy now.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

The Unforgettable Trip

The hiatus (yes, I realize that 1 month is too long to be called a hiatus) was almost everything I had expected it to be. The UK, and Europe, was every bit as exciting as I had hoped it would be. The environment was a good change. The weather. The weather was appealing, but that depends on where I was. I covered so many places, saw so many things, and experienced what I could never experience here, in Malaysia.

I went on the trip with hope in mind. I came back from it with a different type of hope. There were times when I thought it was all a lost cause. There were times when I thought that all I wanted to do was to return home. The first two weeks were hell for various reasons. It left me emotionally exhausted, emotionally detached, and physically incapable of moving. I was decapitated by what I was experiencing.

I had gone there to see my girlfriend. It was meant to be the culmination of 3 years of planning and finding the right time to execute it. We didn't expect it to be like how it became. When the time finally came, we did it. We broke up after 5 and a half years of being together. (That was actually our second breakup, having broken up a long long time ago). It was painful, it was harrowing, but circumstances never allowed us to be together for as long as I had wanted us to remain.

It was meant to be a closure. A month for us to close the sincerity that was our relationship. To say the last words, to prepare for moving on. I secretly hoped that we wouldn't end, but hope remained as it was, hope. The days following was especially difficult, because Prague and Paris were two enchanting and romantic cities. Paris especially, was every bit as captivating as we were led to believe it was. We chose the cities because of that. We ended up going together as friends. It was depressing.

I remember sitting together in the Parc du Champ de Mars, facing the Eiffel Tower as sunset approached. We had just finished walking the entire of Paris across 6 arrondissements in just a day. She was next to me. But she was so distant and detached. We argued as the Eiffel sparkled for the first time that day at 7pm. We left what was potentially the most romantic setting on earth angry and enraged with one another.

Since that day, we have kissed and made up. When trouble hits our relationship, we retreat to bestfriendome, a safety kingdome to ensure that we never really part. It has happened once before. We are still seperated, but somehow bonded by something greater than common love. There are so many years left and so many opportunities. I do want her to experience everything before settling down. My hope as I return, is that one day, God will reward me for being so loyal to one person.

She told me once that its not about the places you go, but who you go with. So that was what my trip as about. Spending time in Nottingham, Manchester, Prague, Paris and London with a person I had come to love, and will probably continue loving. The future remains uncertain in many many ways, but if it was predictable, it wouldn't be so interesting, would it?