Sunday, February 06, 2005

Sex: 2 Pax

I was sitting down minding my own business when my mother ambushed me. She sat down and I commented on an article that I was reading in the newspapers. I never really knew how the hell we ended up talking about sex. 10 years too late at that. Funny. I never expected it to be at all embarassing and certainly didn't expect it to turn out the way it did, all mature and "professional".

My parents once commented when I was 16 that it was too late to talk about sex merely because they thought that I might know more than they did. I laughed my way to my room, which left them baffled. Later however, I found out that my father kept a secret stash of sex-help books centering on performance and pleasure (He also had a stash of porn which I accidentally stumbled upon). Sly old man he. Didn't want to share his secrets with me. Tsk tsk tsk, selfish. Little then, did I expect my mother to be gauging how much I knew about the topic and comparing notes.

We didn't discuss much about the mechanics of sex, rather, more on reproduction itself. She started talking about genes, and how strong my grandfather's genes were (He had 6 sons and only 2 daughters). I wanted to say that it was because he had a long dick, pounded it in, shot it deep and yelled hurrah! It, however, didn't come out like that mainly because I have respect for my stout dead grandfather, and I pictured him "doing it" with my 84 year old grandmother and it burned a hole in my head.

So I said that it was instead, due to conditions of the vagina, cervix and uterus, to which my mother agreed. Then I related to her a story my science teacher told me in secondary school of her female ex-student who soaked her nether regions in baking soda water for 30 minutes before sex (I wonder if the baking soda leaves her vagina dry and caustic). At the time that story was related to the class, the student had successfully delivered 2 boys for the family cause (No dwelling on the importance of males. Sensitive topic amongst women). Needless to say, my mother was amazed and reaffirmed her belief that if a male heir cannot be produced, it is because of the woman, and not the man. Science is on my side on this one. Feminists, you can send your dogs back to the kennels.

This was when the conversation got weird. She said that in order to get boys, I had to stop thinking about pleasuring my woman and making her come. She said that I had to fast from sex for 2 weeks before the peek ovulating period of my wife, find a comfortable position, get to it and come as quickly as possible. ( I translated this as wanking for 2 weeks and banging my wife hard on the kitchen table when the time came.) I was pleased with how my mother viewed sex.

Then it bloody dawned on me. My mother wasn't interested in talking about sex. She was interested about conveying to me her need to see grandchildren. Shit, my father is sly and my mom is sneaky. She has apparently reached an age where she is insecure about longetivity and life. Problem is, I'm still young, and as far as I know at the time of writing, I've not been promised to a sweet young thing yet. I'm fearing for my life now, because my father is sly and my mother is sneaky. Who knows what they could be up to.

Lessons to be learned. If you want a son, women have to soak themselves in baking soda, while men have to fast for 2 weeks and fuck her hard and fast. Its all hardwork really. As for parents, if you see them approaching you with intent to talk about genes, duck for cover. Avoid the salvo. Run Forrest, run. Lest you've already delivered the goods.

P.S. Having then known that its pretty hard work conceiving a child, makes you wonder how the hell some people have all the luck in the world conceiving illegitimate children. My mother says its because they're not under stress. Hahaha.

6 comments:

cyber-red said...

wahhhhhhhhhhh grandfather story a bit the not necessary ler...

LOL new theory it seems!

guy said...

the state of the women's vagina pH can also determine the gender of the child but it too depends on the male's sperm.
fancy ur parents being such open minded about it. ;)

Anonymous said...

lol...very well done. :)

Vernon said...

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA...this is damn good bro! I'd be red-faced by the end of that conversation...

vincent said...

mannn.....i ll run far far away before having such a conversation with my mum

saRah said...

hahaha! oh my god. this has got to be the most enlightning piece i've read in ages! haha...

cheers;)
sarah
http://www.tabulas.com/~shireen