Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Bangsa Malaysia (Cultural Uprising Plan Part 1)

Contrary to popular belief, not all bloggers just sit around and lament about the donkies that are running the country or serenade everybody with useless information like what kind of toilet paper they used today. Yes, I do love to sit down and do my share of kutuking, but then I'm an all action man. So, staying to form, I've come up with the first part of my cultural uprising plan. I call it the Bangsa Malaysia Plan (I plan to make this a reality unlike most people). Todays plan will revolve around making ideal citizens of my country, Malaysia. For the following specifications, I shall rely on foreign technology (secret stemcell technology) that will never be transferred. I have done so because I do not trust Malaysian factories/technology, especially the clandestine ones affiliated with slaughtering chickens.

Physical Attributes
  • Hair: Straight, bushy and black (to protect the head against harmful rays of tropical sun and rain. Abit like an umbrella). v1.1 will feature dirty blond hair dye by Wella.
  • Eyes: No eyes will be necessary. This is to ensure that we continue ignoring everything. v1.1 Might develop slight slitsin v1.1, as brainwashing progresses.
  • Nose: Small, flattened nose more sensitive than a dogs nose. This is to ensure that everyone knows where they are going, due to lack of eyes.
  • Mouth: As big as can be, so that we can continuously talk behind peoples back. Also so that no secret is kept to themselves. We are a caring nation. No secrets should be kept away from anyone.
  • Ears: Similar to the eyes, non-existant. Bangsa Malaysia will be too busy talking rather than listening. v1.1 will be equipped with mini hearing aids, like your grandmas.
  • Skin: 5 inches thick. This is to block out the suns harmful rays (Aren't I a practical person), and to absorb all that skin-whitening shit that is religiously spread on it. Thick skin also usefull for armor, and asking for extra discounts. Skin color will be blue. This is because if you mix yellow, brown, black and fake white, youll get blue (ok, so you wont, but who the hell cares?)
  • Hands: Wide and fat. Will have to be impossible for any purposeful use other than feeding the mouth, which is huge anyway. Wide hands are also useful for blocking spit and saliva that is spewing out of that large mouth when it talks.
  • Feet/legs: Athletic. Thinking of Michael Johnson's. This is to ensure safe and fast escape from any work thrown at them. Athletic feet will also ensure that we can at least excel in sports. We can put impending work at the starting block of the 400 M sprint, and before the word go, our Malaysian will be way way in front. This has to be rectified somewhat, so that he doesn't have too many false starts. VCD vendors will also have no problem running away.
  • Body: Muscular and also athletic. Anybody that learns science will know that such weird upper body attributes will surely need a strong body to prop it up. Plus, muscular bodies are also needed when every form of public transportation breaks down due to poor maintenance and we have to revert back to man-powered mancarts.
  • Brain: None needed. This is to ensure full compliance. Brains will only lead to more complaining. Plus, half the government departments dont require one as entry requirements. So, I'm halfway there.
Future generations will all be born with those specifications. Bugs will be corrected as we progress, if we progress. Current Malaysians will have to adhere to the Plan and will have to go through tupperware jobs (plastic surgery for all those of you who don't know). Following which is a 2 month intensive brainwashing session. All those resisting will be detained under the ISA and be charged with sodomy. Women too.

Religion: Due to the fact that religion is such a big part of us, I have created a religion to be adored by the masses. It will be called *mumble mumble* (yet to be decided). The faith will center around the worship of the Roti Canai as all powerful and enduring. It's powers shall not be questioned. Also due to the fact that we love religious segregation, we shall have seperate sects and denominations. We shall also have variations of the religion worshiping the Roti Telur, Roti Bom, Roti Planta, Roti Sardin, Roti Milo etc etc. Like the great civilizations of the past (Greek and Roman) there ought to be great myths surrounding the Roti family. Holy water will of course be Kuah Daal or Kari, which will be decided based on popular demand. v1.1 will include possible mention of a warrior god by the name of Nasi Lemak and its legion of Sambal.

A new scripture will be published detailing the religion as we progress. More to come on environment, governance, overseas policies, ISA, taxes, the economy and all those things that are currently part of our lives now. Nothing will be left out.

4 comments:

xiang's mirage said...

hahaha.. 1st.. a salute from me for creating such an interesting blog.. make sure u update it often.. it can save me from boredom.. serious~! anyway sarcastic sial~! loving it man~! keep it up~! its true u know the things u said.. (bow, salute n exit)

cyber-red said...

wahhh the person you just described..very the 'something wrong' ah~ =)

but its exactly how society has turn into; obnoxious, ruthless, can't be bothered, I'm-More-Superior than you attitude. stupid asses who make my day worse.

-[Uh-miR]- said...

xiang: Thank you. A blogger needs such complements.

cyber-red: Such is life.. such is life..

Anonymous said...

Je suis démarrage d'une entreprise vendant des choses différentes pour bébé que je fais. Et je veux créer un site Internet pour être en mesure de les revendre. Quelqu'un peut-il me dire les étapes que j'aurais besoin de passer par le faire? Et quel est le coût?. Merci ..