Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Small Talk

Staring into emptiness, my view was suddenly obscured by a very attractive girl. Real eye candy. Naturally, my jaded eyes followed her across the cafe, right up to her seat, which was very conveniently right across mine. Apparently, she and her parents were also guests of the function I was invited to. I was elated. There, seated in front of me, would be the focus of my evening. Finally, a reason for me not to feel like killing myself out of boredom in the company of old men and women. We proceeded to the buffet spread, and I had the worst time of my life. This was because it took my horny, usually chatty little mouth a whole 1 hour before I mustered my first words to her.

"Ha ha Ha *Laughing my most macho laugh, ala Schwarzenegger* 1 month!" I proclaimed.

This was in response to a question on how long it would take me to study and successfully resit my SPM exams. (I know, farfetched. I didn't have much choice. The other guy said that he could do it in 2 months. I had to prove my mettle. I have bigger balls). I wanted to hit myself in the head. Of all my stupid one liners and pickup lines, this was all I could muster. However, all was not lost, for as the evening progressed, we were quite engrossed in the conversation we were having.

Once we had left the function, I realized that I had made one critical error. I didn't ask for her number! Then I realized that I had made another critical error. I hadn't even remembered her name! I hit myself in the head hard this time. But I consoled myself in the fact that it was a feat to Buaya (malay slang for flirt) with anyone in front of her parents and that small talk saved an otherwise boring and reclusive function. I could tell that she liked me. Honestly.

Yesterday morning, I was asked by my prospective employer, an oil and gas company headquartered in Tower 1 of the Twin Towers, to go through a medical examination. I willingly obliged thinking that it would be a two bit examination done in haste, like the ones I had gone through before.

An hour had passed, and everything went well. I was ushered and herded into many different test rooms including tests for HIV and drugs (I had wanted to take the HIV test for quite sometime now. Very nice of my prospective employers to pay for it. I am also very lucky that it has been a while since I smoked pot). The final phase of the test included a physical exam conducted by the attending physician. As usual, he checked for my blood pressure, did an oral exam, ear exam, eye exam and so on.

Then he dropped the bomb. The door behind me closed. He asked me to remove my shoes, my socks, and my pants. (I know that its normal for a doctor to request something like that, but here is a burly, bald, goateed, middle-aged guy asking me to do it. I was a little scared for my virgin ass. Took me a full 10 seconds before I took my pants off.) He asked me to lie down and all of a sudden, the serious looking doctor became really friendly and chatty, engaging in, you guessed it, small talk (I was really afraid now, refer to first story above). While I was replying one of his many questions and comments, he suddenly grabbed my family jewels. All of my beloved Royal Scepter and 2 Feberge Eggs. I gasped for air. Then he asked me to cough, while explaining that he's now going to perform the test for hernia.

*cough cough, cough cough* (It was the most feeble of coughs anyone could muster. I had trouble coughing because someone was grabbing my balls)

He conducted the test, looking straight into my eyes and continuing the small talk. I felt relieved that there was something else for me to concentrate on besides a guy cupping my balls. Small talk saves the day yet again. Luckily I didn't have an erection. Imagine what the doctor would have thought of then. Imagine what I would have thought of myself then. Imagine if it was a cute female doctor. Imagine if it was the girl I had met earlier posing as a doctor.*Imagination gone wild*

Lessons from the past weekend. Small talk is absolutely important. To those who cant, please learn how to. It might get you your girl, as well as keep you away from very awkward situations. You can even grab my balls without feeling awkward (Please don't try unless you don't have a pair). The power of small talk.

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